How does it feel if you are living in a maze? I was wandering every day. But I did not want this situation to continue. I wanted to do something. I would try anything which some people said might work. I could not see any future. I thought I should do what I wanted to do as quickly as possible.
Terror Attack, Anytime, Anywhere
So I went on a trip with my family. Under the quiet and beautiful sea, I was very happy diving there.
But suddenly, an idea came into my mind. “ What if I could not breath now, will I just die here in the middle of the sea? “ The panic attack just hit me within one second. I was thrown into fear. I was very far away from the shore, having panic attack in the middle of the sea.
The only thing I could do was to cry out to God in my heart. I struggled and struggled and finally reached the shore.
A few months later when I was at work, I felt very anxious. So I called the brother to pray with me over the phone. After a while, I started to feel very difficult to breath. I almost suffocated and I resorted to ask my colleague to send me to the hospital.
In the emergency room, I was very painful. I could hardly breath. My legs and arms could not move at all. I could feel nothing at all. I could not open my mouth nor speak.
I cried out to God in my heart. I thought, “ may be this is the time that I had to leave “. I could do nothing but quietly wait for God to receive my soul.
A scripture was repeating in my mind over and over again, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.”
My eyes started to close. It would be over very soon, everything would be over very soon ….
After a while, I found I was awake! I was still alive! I was not dead!
What the doctor explained was “ stress “ and told me to relax. However, this breathless feeling had never leave me. It was with me all the time.
Later, I was diagnosed with claustrophobia. One time when I was travelling on the MTR, the phobia attacked me. I was so panic that I had to leave the MTR to get some fresh air otherwise I might suffocate again. I could only travel by taxi for the rest of the journey!
I could not get into the elevator also. I had to struggle many times before I could go into it. But when the door was about to close, I was so panic that I jumped out again.
The Maze in the Death Valley
This situation get worst and worst. Not to say to travel on any vehicle, I actually could not find the courage to leave home. I could not go to work. I felt very difficult to breath even when I was at home. I had a thorough body check but nothing was wrong with my body physically.
What else could I do? It was impossible to endure such a life anymore. If there could be any means, which might give me some little hope of improvement, I would try.
When I look back now, I can see that I have tried something which did not worth trying. But at that time, I told myself that I must not give up. Why?
Firstly, I want my family to believe in Jesus too. Secondly, I am a Christian and I know that Christian should not suicide. Thirdly, I believed that there must be some reasons why God still has not taken my life. There must be something that He wants me to do.
I share this with you because I want you to know that you are not alone. In the darkest moments of our lives, no matter how hard we tried, there seems to be no solution at all. But, only if you do not give up, you will finally find a way out.
Driving out Evil Spirit, Nutritional Therapy, Hypnotherapy
It was God’s arrangement that I could meet a Christian lady who taught other Christians to drive out evil spirits. When she met with me, she said,
“ I believe this is God’s arrangement that I can meet you here today. Normally I will not meet with clients directly and I am not in Hong Kong for the most of my time. I am here because I need to attend a funeral. After the funeral I have to fly back immediately. I asked God if I should meet with you. And He told me to do so…. “
She prayed with me and immediately I vomited some liquid. She reminded me to remember some Bible scriptures. She told me whenever I feel wrong, I should use these scriptures to resist the devil. I believed that with God’s power, she could help me drive out all evil spirits. However, “ my friend “ was still affecting me from time to time, making me difficult to breath.
I was very confused. I could not distinguish whether it was the evil spirit, which made me ill, or I was actually emotionally ill myself.
A sister recommended a nutritional therapist to me. Since I had no other choice, I went and tried. The doctor used various kinds of vitamins to help his patients. He said my problem was caused by the accumulation of poisonous substances (such as heavy metal absorbed from polluted food) inside my body. The charges were very high. Later, however, I found that the doctor used the same therapy for all different kinds of patients. No matter if they were suffering from cancer, mental illness, or mentally retarded. He always recommended me to try other detoxification methods which were very expensive, and any ordinary people would find it impossible to afford in a long run. However, what he said to me was, “ What is more important? Your money or your body? “ I said to myself, “ Shall I trust this doctor? “ And I didn’t go there anymore.
I found out from the web that hypnotherapy might help. And I tried too. This helped me to relax and I felt comfortable after a few times.
The therapist wanted to help me to find out who “ my friend” was. She was very sincere and what she did for me was not for money. She even charged me less.
In one of those therapies, when I was “ asleep”, I met my grandparents, who passed away many years ago. They were smiling at me with a very peaceful smile. They said to me, “ yes, you are a good boy. We know that you have tried very hard. Hang on and do not give up. We fully understand. “ I was very touched and I cried and cried.
However, a brother told me that Christians should not try such therapy. Because the evil spirits could enter you when you were in a total relax condition.
I struggled very hard on this issue because I thought this therapy was helping me. How could I explain to the therapist that I would not come again?
Next chapter: I was thinking about how to explain to my therapist that I would not come again. But what she said gave me big surprise. I understood that this is God’s arrangement. The brother recommended me to another doctor. This doctor led me into another stage, and helped me to find out who “ my friend “ was……
Chapter 11 The Doctor
Mr. Ice Cream
活在迷宮中的感覺是如何的？就是終日傍徨，但又不甘心如此，所以不斷去找出路。看見似是有點曙光，就告訴自己只要有一線希望，都要試試。但走下去，卻似乎每條都是死胡同！還有，在看不見末來的情況下，也只好盡快完成一件一直都想做的事，就是和家人一起去旅行。
隨時隨地的恐怖襲擊
在寧靜美麗的海底下，我的心情也很愉快，可是，我的腦海又遭到突襲，『萬一我不能呼吸，會就此死在這裏嗎？』一秒之間，我就好像從世外桃源，突然掉進恐懼的深淵！那種恐懼一直抓着我，我又置身大海中，離岸很遠，真的很痛苦，我只有一直在內心向神祈求，幾經掙扎，才能懷着『死就死吧！』的信念，捱回岸邊！
過了幾個月，有一天在工作的時候，我突然感到很不安，都不知是『朋友』還是邪靈作怪，我只好立刻通知弟兄在電話中和我禱告，繼而呼吸更開始越來越困難，我唯有找同事陪我進醫院。 我在醫院中不斷發出痛苦的聲音，我就快窒息了，半身已失去感覺，手腳也動不了，我祈求神的幫助，但沒有好轉，我當時想，可能是時候了，可能要離開這世界了…..而我的口也繃緊了，全身都失去感覺，什麼都做不到，只好靜靜的待主接回了，在我腦中只有一句話，不斷的重覆着：『復活在我，生命也在我，信我的人，雖然死了，也必復活』…之後我的眼睛開始慢慢合上，我也完全失去知覺，一切都要完結了…….
不久，我醒了，竟然還在世上！而醫生的解釋是『精神緊張』！但這種呼吸困難的感覺沒有離開我，而我不論何時，都有機會出現這種情況。
這段日子中，我更患上了『隱蔽空間恐懼症』。有一次，我乘地鐵，但只乘了一個站，便感到呼吸困難，竟要立刻『逃出』車廂，跑回地面呼吸新鮮空氣，之後的路程只好再乘的士前往！
我竟然又不敢入升降機，掙扎了很久才能入去了，卻又在臨關門之際，害怕得衝出來，來來回回好幾次，又提醒自己好像潛水時，『死就死吧！』，這樣才能乘十幾秒！
我一起床便感覺呼吸困難，無論對所有人和事，都完全失去了興趣。
視覺上也出現了奇怪的現象，就是所看到的物件，不論是天空或高樓大廈，所有眼晴所見到的，都失去了立體感，看到的只是一幅一幅的平面圖，感覺好像生存在一個完全陌生的地方似的！感覺真是很恐怖！每一天都很難捱！這樣的日子，我還可以撐多久呢？
谷底中的迷宮
後來，這情況更繼續惡化，不要說乘車，連出門都是問題，這樣，造成生活上、工作上極大的不便和困擾，亦把我推進了只要能活着，甚麼方法都要試試的谷底。我的情況真的是沒可能捱下去，不要說上班，連在家中，我都感到呼吸困難，但醫生又說我身體健康，詳細的身體檢查也做過了。這樣我還可做什麼？什麼治療我也試過，我失敗了好多好多次，亦花費了很多的金錢，但人總是不可放棄自己啊！雖然現在回想起來，都覺得走了些寃枉路，但我只能不放棄，和繼續去面對！原因是，一是我的家人還在，我希望他們都可以一起信主。二是我信了主，我要努力活下去；三是，若神我要死去，都應『死了很多次』，但我今天還在，我相信應是有些事情，是神要我要去做的，雖然我還未知道是甚麼，但我確是這樣想的。
我分享這些，是想讓有類似遭遇的朋友知道，你不是孤單的，在谷底中的谷底，我們如一隻無助的螞蟻，走在似乎沒完沒了的迷宮中，在最黑暗的日子裏，無論你怎樣努力，碰到的都是牆壁。但只要你不放棄，總會有一天像我一樣走出迷宮的！
趕鬼、營養治療、催眠
在神奇妙的安排下，我能約見一位很資深的基督徒，她一見面就說：『這次和你見面，是神的安排，我一般是不會直接見病人的，因我多不在香港，今次回港只是辦理白事才回來的，而且還趕着有很多的事情去做。我亦有問過神，是否應接見你呢？神說是的。我和你見面後，便會立刻離開香港了。但神亦安排了我在這兒和你見面……』
她和我祈禱，很快我便覺得渾身不自在，並吐出了一些液體。後來她着我緊記幾句聖經的經文，當有攻擊時，用金句去抵抗它，什麼邪靈也不能傷害我。我相信靠着神的大能，絕對可把邪靈趕走。但我內心那位『朋友』好像一有時間便來『探訪』我，而呼吸困難的感覺也仍然存在。
所以，當時的我很混亂，我根本沒可能分辨到是邪靈引致的，還是我自己有病。我現在回想起來，相信是多年來受着邪靈的騷擾，以致在精神上形成了嚴重的壓力和困擾。
後來有位姊妹介紹我去看一個醫生，他用的是營養治療法，用維他命或其他營養素幫助身體排出毒素，說這樣就會好轉。問題是醫藥費很貴，而且日子久了，又給我發現這醫生無論對患精神病的、未期癌症、弱能的、中風的、痛症的病人，都是說同一樣的說話，和用同一種治療方法。而且又常建議我非常昂貴的營養素吊針排毒方法，都不是一般人可長期負担得起的，而他亦只是一句：『錢要緊還是身體要緊？』這樣的醫生信得過嗎？所以我便沒有再回去了。
後來，我又試了催眠治療。我在網上得知，不少個案是透過『催眠治療』或『認知行為治療法』而冶癒的。只要有希望，我都想試試。首先本來想預約『認知行為治療法』的，怎知不只是『天價』，而排期更長達一、兩年，我這刻的狀況根本沒可能等到這日！後來致電了一位催眠治療師，她在電話和我談了一會，她竟很明白我的處境的危急性，所以她願意在幾日之內接見我，所以我就去試試。她是一位很有愛心的治療師，可能是主的安排，她是真心想幫我的，收費上她也便宜了一些給我，因為催眠治療也是很昂貴的。而她每次都想把我說那『朋友』找出來，但她都說非常困難。她教我在呼吸困難時用腹部呼吸，對放鬆很有幫助。我進行幾次的治療，當中一次令我很感觸，因為在睡眠狀態中，我見到我已離世的祖父母，他們生前多麼的疼愛我，他們不單對住我笑，而且和我說：『你好叻仔，好生性，堅持下去，我們明白的。』我真的很感動，很安慰，就是在睡眠狀態中，也流下了眼淚。
作了幾次的治療之後，弟兄和我說，基督徒不應作這樣的治療的，因這治療是在完全放鬆，及內心深處完全沒防備下進行，所以邪靈會有機會進入的。雖然我並不同意，因這治療不多不少也幫了我，不再作治療，我還可有甚麼方法呢？真的很矛盾！而且，當我下一次治療時，怎樣開口說，下次不再回來呢…….?
下集預告：在我作最後一次催眠治療時，還在躊躇怎樣跟治療師說我不再繼續的時候，她竟然和我說了另一番的說話，我知道這是神的安排！弟兄介紹我去見另一位家庭醫生，她陪伴我走進另一階段，陪伴我找出這位『朋友』是什麼，這『朋友』的身份，我開始清楚了…………
下一集：別問我 是誰 11 不一樣的醫生
