Ha ha ! Thank you for reading until the end of this story! What do you think? Taking an average of a person’s life, I have just gone through half of my life, and I still have another half to go.
In fact, my initial plan was to wait until all my problems are solved before I give this testimony. However, my Pastor always encourages me to do so and she said there is no need to wait. After knowing my story,I think you will share my worry and understand why I found it so difficult to talk about it. Not only that the story is very long, it will also be very difficult for me to say this in front of so many people.
An Ending without an Ending
Now that the church website is up and I thought, “If I post my testimony on the church website, I can have plenty of the time to organize my story and it is not a must to disclose who I am. There will not be as much pressure as if I have to stand in front of so many people to tell my story. ” Therefore, I think, this is the time and this is God’s arrangement that I can give the testimony now.
Let’s talk about the problem that is troubling me all the time. In fact, there is no single one therapy that can deal with my problems! May be I should say, as for me today, who is now living happily in the Lord, it is not as important as before that my problems must be solved!
Why do I have to give this testimony then? I hope you will understand, no matter how difficult your life may be, that you may feel that you have been trapped in a situation where no solution will be there for you, we have to remember, “We are not alone. ” Jesus is there for us.
A Friend who Doesn’t Look Like a Friend
So, who is my “friend”? In fact, it is the negative thoughts that are hidden deep inside my heart for a long time and something that I considered as “must be “, or ” ought to be “.
Everybody will have such thoughts. These thoughts had been buried under our hearts. They are affecting, with or without our knowledge, the every aspect of our lives. Such as our views towards ourselves, to other people or even to God.
For some people, these negative thoughts may be “I am no good! “, “I can’t accomplish anything!” “Everything I do is just a mess! “, or even “I shouldn’t be born in this world at all!” These thoughts will come to visit us from time to time, especially when we are depressed.
How comes these thoughts? Well, they are formed by “accumulation”. No matter how good your life may be, there must be times of difficulties, uncertainties, or even sometimes unfortunate situations.
When the negative emotions activated by these adversities were not dealt with properly, these emotions, which supposed to be temporary, started to accumulate inside our hearts.
Until one day, we cannot bear anymore, our bodies started to give us some signals. These signals may not be very strong and only temporary from the beginning, that is why it is very easy for us to neglect them. However, finally an “explosion” comes, and we have no idea why it is, and therefore, has become much more difficult to deal with.
Well, these are troubles, aren’t they? But why do I keep calling it “my friend”? Yes, we do have friends who will come to visit us from time to time. Sometimes they may come very frequently, and sometimes they may not come to us for a long time. This “friend of mine “, just like my other friends, helped me to know myself better and to face my problems. And this ” friend of mine ” also brought me to Jesus.
As said in the previous chapters, I had decided to believe in Jesus when I was in primary school. I had said to myself , ” I will believe in Jesus someday ! “. And this friend of mine had brought me back to Jesus. I was so stubborn that I left Him even after I was delivered from the evil spirits by Him. If it was not my friend, may be I am still wandering!
The Question after Questions
Okay! So who is the friend inside my heart? It is “death “. I am not afraid of death. However, “death “ itself is a topic which I can never be able to comprehend. After one question has been answered, another question will come. There will be never-ending questions about this topic. Very often, this made me depressed.
The thoughts inside my mind is this, death seems to make life meaningless. No matter how hard you tried to live a good life, or even if you have made significant contribution to the mankind, the ending is the same for everyone.
I know that I will go back to the Lord after I died. There will be no more tears and no more sufferings as said in the Bible. However, I cannot explain why my mind just keeps thinking of these questions. How will life be there? What will I do by then? Will it be praise and worship all the days? Will I have thoughts and my own thinking ? Will everybody be doing the same thing? As there will be so many Christians there, how can we possibly be together with the Lord at the same time, given that there is only one God?
I also understand that the heaven that we are going to, as said in the Bible, is beyond our expectations.
What do you think? Stupid?
In fact, I don’t want to think about these. But these questions rush into my mind automatically and I cannot stop them. Many of my friends had said to me, “There is no need to think about what we cannot think of. There is no need to think about something that we can do nothing about. “
Yes, I agree with them, I totally agree with them. I can fully understand this with my reasoning power. However, the problem is, I cannot stop these thoughts rushing into my mind. What can I do?
The Therapy after Therapies
Back to now, many people do not understand how I can survive until this moment. I can only say that this is the plan of the Lord. If it was not God, I should have been dead for many times. I have tried to take my own life. I was possessed by the demons which tried to kill me. I was almost suffocated when I was badly hit by panic attack. During the most difficult moments, I have said to the Lord, “Oh Lord, please take me home ! “ Of course, He didn’t answer my prayers. Otherwise, I will not be able to share this with you today.
I sincerely wish that you can understand, no matter how bad your situations might be, there will be a way. If my testimony can help anyone of you, may be just one, this is the plan of God. If you feel that you are the one, I wish that you will treasure this because this is God’s thoughtfulness and kind arrangement for you. He wants to save your heart.
As for myself, in writing this testimony, this has helped me a lot. This is an opportunity for me to really face the whole story, and to lay it down. May be this is the special therapy that the Lord has planned for me!
Finally, I sincerely bless you and wish you will treasure everyone in your life and try your best not to leave any regret for yourself. No matter how difficult your situations may be now, although you will still need to face them and deal with them, put them into the hands of Jesus Christ and let Him take care of you!
Prayers
If you are not a Christian yet, since you have spent so much time reading this story up to now, why not spend a few more minutes and try to pray this short prayer? After you have finished the prayer, just close your eyes and relax. Spend one minute and try to listen if Jesus will speak to you. I hope you will experience God and enter another stage of your life. If you have any question about Christianity, you can contact Pastor Leung of Elim Church.
“ Jesus Christ, the author of this story had experienced your help in his life. Please help me in my situations. Please let me experience and know that You are my God. Please let me be able to know and to feel your presence, in Jesus’s name I prayed, Amen. “
If you are already a Christian, I sincerely wish you can feel and obey the moving of the Holy Spirit in your heart for every moment of your life. I sincerely invite you to pray the following prayer. After you have finished the prayer, just close your eyes and relax. Let God speak to you heart and let Him tell you what He wants you to do for Him.
“ Jesus, You are my God and my Saviour. Please lead me and guide me so that I can fulfill what You call me to do in my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen. “
Acknowledgements
In alphabetical order : Alison, Cora, Dr. Chan, Pastor Leung, Siu Siam, and the brother who always pray with me, and to all those who had helped me… There are too many of them that I cannot list all. Otherwise, you may be able to find out who I am.
So, to all my dear friends, “Seize the Day ! “
Mr. Ice cream
沒有結局的結局
哈哈！多謝你們看到這一集，也就是大結局了！不知你們看到現在有什麼感想呢？如果以一個人的平均壽命來計算，我應還有多一倍的路程要走。
本來，我是想待我的問題完全解決後才說見證的，但一切都是神的安排。其實牧師時不時也鼓勵我把見證說出來，不用等問題完全解決後才說的。
但你們看過我的『精彩』人生，都會明白，要說出來是多麽的艱難，不單是因為故事很長，而且，要去面對着這麽多人說出來，對我來說，也很困難。
直到教會的網頁出版了，我想：既可以慢慢的整理我的故事，又可避免必需公開自己的身份的壓力，我相信，這就是神給我的機會！
好了，說回困擾我的問題。其實，根本是沒有絕對有效的治療法或絕對的答案的！又或許應該說，對今天仍能奇蹟地、安穩地活在主耶穌裏，它能否解決，對今天的我而言，已經不再重要了！
我之所以要作這見證，是希望你們能知道，縱使人生有多困難，好像走進了不能解決的光景，我們也要緊記一句：『我不是唯一的。』主耶穌基督才是唯一的。
驟看不似朋友的朋友
我的『那位朋友』其實是所謂的『心魔』，用比較專業的名稱來說，就叫做『負面思維』！它是隱藏在內心深處的、一些似乎牢不可破的想法。其實每一個人都會有的，它深深地植在我們心裏，在我們不自覺的情況下，影響着我們對人、對事、對自己、甚至對上帝的想法。只是每個人的情况和程度不同而已。有些人的心魔可能是『我做什麼也做不成！』有些人的心魔可能是『我是沒有用處的！』更有些人的心魔可能是『我生於這世界已是錯的！』而這些想法，多是久不久就會來找你，或趁你失意的時候出現。
它又是怎樣形成的呢？很多時是累積回來的！人生中的事情，可以有很多預測不到的變數，或會有不如意，甚至不幸的際遇。而當每一樣困難引發起的、相對較短和較輕的負面情緒，沒有被正確的紓解和面對，它就會累積在心中。當心中的深處接受不了時，我們的情緒和身體就會開始出現訊號，這些訊號最初可能是不太強烈、而又短暫的，所以很多人都不易察覺它的存在。終於，它一旦突然『爆發』出來，而我們又完全毫無頭緒為何會這樣，便會難於招架了！
它驟看是這麽的麻煩，為甚麽我仍會說它是我的『朋友』呢？不是嗎？朋友也會不時來探訪我們，有時頻密一些，有時卻又很久都不來一次。我這位『朋友』，也好像其他朋友一樣，讓我多些去面對自己、認識自己。亦是這位『朋友』，把在小學已經決定了『總有一天我會跟隨主耶穌』的我，和連番被邪靈『整理』之後都還會再放縱離開主的我，真真正正帶回主的懷裏。
問號之後的問號
好啦，我內心深處的朋友是誰呢？
就是『死亡』。我不是一般性的『怕死、死了會去那裡』的恐懼，而是『死亡』本身對我來說，是一個很惱人的、永遠可以有永無止境的問號的題目。
死亡使人生變成很沒意義，因為即使盡力去做些什麼，去到最後都是什麼也沒有。例如，你為世界上作出偉大的貢獻，死了也會有很多人記得你，但又怎樣？死了始終是死了！
我知道，我死了之後會返回主的身邊，那時就再沒有痛苦和憂愁。但內心也會問，在另一個空間裏，那兒的生活是怎樣的呢？是不是每天不停的敬拜讚美？這時我們會幹些什麼？有沒有思想的呢？會否做着和人生相若的模式的事情，重重覆覆的，好像無止境的故事！自古以來，有數不盡的信徒都是死後和主一起的，但這麼多人，卻只有一位神，又怎樣能同時都和主一起呢？
我也知道聖經說，我們要去的天堂，是超出我們想像的。其實，我也不想去想像，某程度上，不是我自己想去找答案的，而是那深處的我，不知為何，時常會自動去尋找一些死了之後的情景或出路，就算知道了出路，也會想再找出路後的出路…….而這些想法，可能在幾秒鐘之內就會突然充塞了我的腦海，是我自己控制不了的。一般人會說：『死了就死了罷，你擔心什麼，這些不是你能夠想到或控制到的，根本不用去想！』理性上，我當然絕對明白，但我就是控制不了。
嚐過所有治療後的治療
要說回現在，有很多人都會問『真不明白為何你還能夠活着？』我只可以說，這都是主的安排，因為我也曾在信主前自殺過，又被邪靈控制着去做傷害自己性命的事，也曾無故的極度恐慌致幾乎窒息。而在我最痛苦時，也曾禱告：『主啊，求你接我回你的身邊吧！』當然，祂沒有接納我這樣的禱告，我才可以今天在此說出我的故事。
我衷心的想你們明白，無論你今日的光景有多困難，都會有出路的。而我的見證，若可以幫助到你們，即使只是一個人也好，已是神的安排。如果你感到自己就是那人，你更加要珍惜啊，因為主叫我說出這麼長篇的見證，為的是拯救你的心，這是衪細心為你而設的安排呢！
而我寫這見證，同樣地也幫了我，因為這給我真正去面對及放下的機會，也許是衪給我一個不一樣的治療呀！
最後，我衷心祝福你們，珍惜身邊的每一個人，別讓自己有遺憾。無論你今天的問題是否能解決，或到底到甚麽時候才能解決，你固然也要去處理和面對，但只要把一切都交在主的手裏，就讓衪來照顧你吧！
禱告
假如你不是基督徒，既然你也花了那麽多時間看到這裏了，不妨再花多一點點的時間，根據以下的短文禱告，完成後，再合上你的眼睛，放鬆你的內心，花一分鐘的時間，聽聽主耶穌會否和你說甚麽，盼望你會得到前所未有的體會，走進人生的另一階段。如果你有任何關於基督教的問題，你可致電以琳教會的梁牧師。
『主耶穌，這故事的作者，親身經歷到袮的幫助，求袮也在我的處境中幫助我，讓我經歷到，袮是我的神，讓我能知道、能感受到袮與我同在。奉主耶穌的名祈求，阿門。』
假如你已是基督徒，你們也要謹守每一刻，捉緊主的靈在你的心中運行，我也很想邀請你按以下的禱文禱告，完成後，再合上眼，放鬆你的內心，花一分鐘，試聽聽神在你心中和你說甚麽，想你為祂作什麼？
『主耶穌，祢是我的神，我的救主，求袮帶領我，完成袮在我生命中的旨意，奉主耶穌的名祈求，阿門。』
衷心祝福你！
鳴謝
排名不分先後：Cora, Alison, 阿牧，小三，陳醫生，還有常和我一起禱告的弟兄，以及其他幫助過我的人，太多了，不能盡錄，否則我的身份就會被揭穿了！
因為，『別問我是誰，活好每一天！』
作者 兵奇臨
