Everybody has friends. Your friends will surely visit you from time to time. I have a friend too. He also visited me from time to time. Who is he ?
I was born in a very healthy family. I lived with my parents, grandparents, auntie and brother. I had a lot of questions in my mind all the time. If I could not get the answer, I would not stop asking. When I was about 3 to 4 years old, I would question, “Which one comes first, the chicken or the egg? “ “How was I born to this world?” “I would ask my mother, “Who is your mother? “ My mum answered, “Your grandma! “ Then I asked, “Who gave birth to grandma? “ My mum answered, “Your grand-grandma! “Then who gave birth to grand-grandma?” “Our ancestors!” “Who are our ancestors? Who are the ancestors of our ancestors……….? “
My mum surrendered and said, “You will know when you grow up.”
Once when I was playing with my brother, I asked him, “Why will people die? Where will they go after death?” My brother was only a little bit older than me, how could he answer my question? He said, “You will know when you grow up.” I asked mum the same question later. Mum said, “Be a good person. A good person will go to heaven; a bad person will go to hell. You have to be a successful and a good person, doesn’t let other people look down upon you.” Now I understand that she must have been upset by some other people and thus said this to me. But she would not know that what she said had a deep influence on me.
I had a lot of assumptions toward life and death, heaven and hell since I was a small kid. I searched for the answers and I couldn’t get rid of these questions in my mind. Gradually, fear, anxiety, helplessness, and empty feelings started to grow within in my heart. I was in great pain and this pain just grew up with me.
I studied in Christian schools. I had a teacher, Ms Lee, who gave me a nickname as “balsam pear “(meaning bitterness). I did not agree to this. I behaved well and my performance in school was very good. In fact, I was a very playful kid.
There was morning assembly at my school everyday. They always talked about you must believe in Jesus, so you will have eternal life. If you do not believe in Jesus, you will go to hell and be burnt forever! I was only in primary three, but eternal life, eternal death, infinity… etc. concepts were in my mind all the time, making me very painful.
My friend came to visit me, much earlier than I expected ! I have discussed about my friend with my peers, my teacher and my father. My friend is ……..
What’s coming next? My friend always had different thinking from others ! Will he leave me someday ? Encounter with death for the first time….. What would come after seeing all these deaths? What was the impact on me? Keep on reading the next chapter!
Mr. Ice cream
我 相 信 每 一 個 人 都 會有自己的朋友，而朋友亦不時會探望你，你們有否記起第一位朋友是誰嗎 ? 我有一位朋友，久不久就會來探望我，他是誰？
我生於一個健康的家庭，自小和爸爸、媽媽、祖父、祖母、姑姐、哥哥同住，不知為何我總是有很多問題，找不出答案是不會心息的。當我還是三、四歲左右，我已問：有雞還是有蛋先？我是怎樣被生出來的？我會問媽媽：『阿媽，是邊個生你出來？』媽媽回答說：『是你婆婆囉！』我會再問：『婆婆又是誰生的？ 』 媽媽回答說：『咪你太婆囉！』我會再問：『太婆是誰生的？』『太婆的太婆，即是誰？』媽媽回答說：『這些是祖先。』當然，我不會放過她，再問：『祖先是誰生的？祖先的祖先即是誰呢？』當然我媽媽只好無奈地說：『你日後長大了就會明白。』
又有一次，當我和哥哥玩耍時，我無心地問起哥哥：『人為何要死？死後去那？』但按當時哥哥的年紀又怎會懂得回答，他也只好說：『大個就會明白。』後來，我再有機會，便再問媽媽同樣的問題，媽媽當時說：『做一個好人，好人會上天堂，壞人會下地獄。』還說：『不要衰俾人睇，要生性。』我相信她當時必定是受了別人的氣，所以才說這些話。然而，她沒想過這些話卻對我造成了不少影響。
我那時這麼年少，已對生、老、病、死、天堂、地獄等有了很多想像和假設，也不斷的去尋找答案 ，而且還時常想到不能抽身的地步，以致產生了一種無法解釋的不安、無奈、空虛、恐怖的痛楚，這相比流血的痛苦更難受多倍，而那種不安感更一直地陪伴著我成長。
我小、中學都是在基督教學校就讀的。小學時我有位李老師，她給我起了個花名叫「苦瓜干」，她說我時常好COOL。我並不認同這名字，因為我畢竟也是個愛玩的孩子！在老師面前是一個考前十名的好學生，當然真實的我不是這樣！
我的學校每天都有早會，都是唱詩歌和講道，且常常講要信靠主耶穌，因為信耶穌得永生，可享有永不死的生命，直到永遠；而不信的要下地獄，承受不滅的蟲和不滅的火！當聽到這些時，只有二、三年級的我，便更是不能自禁的對永生、永死、永遠、永久、無限等字眼特別地有感覺。這些概念更在短時間內一條龍的閃進我腦海裡。
我這朋友提早來探望我了，我也有和同學、老師、爸爸等提起我這位朋友。我的朋友原來是……
《下一集強勢預告》：我這位朋友，有與別不同的想法？這位朋友會離我而去嗎 ? 第一次接觸死亡，我的感覺是怎樣？接二連三的死亡事件，接着的是甚麽？對當時年紀這麼小的我，有什麼影響？有勞追看。
下一集，別問我 是誰 2 總給我遇見。
撰文：兵奇臨
