My friend came to visit me again…who is he? Why did it happen at such a young age? Why didn’t God give me a second chance?
One day, I asked my father when we were eating in a Chinese restaurant.
“ Daddy, what is the meaning of life? If everybody ends up dying some day, why do we have to come to this earth? “
My Dad was a bit stunned by my question. “ Why do you have this thinking? “
“ I don’t know. It is just inside my mind all the time. “
“ Ok….you have your family, you have your friends. Different people will have different destiny. Some people may become heroes and be remembered by many other people afterwards. That could be the meaning of life! “
“ Dad, do you believe that there is a God in this world? “
“ Yes, but not only one god, there are many gods too ….but, I think, all religions teach us to be good people. And you will follow what you believe too. For example, if you believe in Buddhism, you will have lives after lives. If you believe in Jesus, you will go to heaven someday! “
After talking with my father, I had this thinking in my little mind. Many people believe in a certain religion because they need to find something to rely on, so as to fill the emptiness in their hearts. I had shared my trouble with my friends. All they said was, “ Forget this! Let’s have fun! “ I had also shared my doubts with my teacher. She asked me why I would have this thinking, was it because I have encountered some difficulties, or was life very hard for me. However, I just could not describe my situations to my teacher. And, of course, I could not get any answer too.
Why so young?
When I was about 9 or 10 years old, one day, grandma told me, the kid next door drowned in the swimming pool and died. My reaction was, why? How could this happen at such a young age?
There was a girl living on the same floor near my home. She was very talented. She managed to acquire Grade 7 in piano straight from Grade 4 when she was still very young. However, she started to play with some naughty kids and gave up schooling.
When I was about in Form 1, one day I met her on our floor and we had a conversation. That was what she said,
“ Life is so boring just playing all the time. I will go out tonight and play with them for the very last time. Tomorrow morning after I wake up, I will go out to find a school. I want to go back to school and I want to get to Grade 8 too. “ I felt happy for her. I thought, this was good that she regretted and would start a good life again!
However, the next day, we read this in the newspaper. She was in a hurry and didn’t bring her own hamlet, but used her friend’s hamlet. A car knocked her down and the hamlet was gone. And she was gone forever!
I have very deep reflection on this. Have you ever encountered something still here today, but will be disappear tomorrow? She has already known that she was wrong and she wanted to do it right again! Why didn’t God give her one more chance? This has very strong influence on me.
Shortly after this, I saw her mother. She looked so sad and so old. Her hair turned white almost overnight. Her sadness was so deep.
I learnt that one could never bring anything away with him when he leaves this world. Some people leave something good for other people when they pass away. But some people only leave sorrow and hurts behind to others when they died. What she had left to her mother was sorrow and sufferings. Her mother could never forget what had happened.
By that time, I learnt many poems in our Chinese studies. There were so many talented poets. But many of them also ended up in misery. This had reinforced my thinking that, human being is so small and life is so meaningless.
What is coming next? I have encountered something, which were totally mysterious. This had brought great fear to me…. my friend came to visit me again. I had no way out but to hurt myself because I found painfulness could kill fear!
Next chapter, “ Don’t ask me who I am, pain kills fear”
Mr. Ice cream
我 的 朋 友 又 來 探 訪 我 了……他是誰？為何如此的年輕？是否天意弄人？
有一天, 我在酒樓和爸爸說:
『 我覺人生好冇意義，人最後都要死亡的，那生存有什麼意思呢? 』
爸爸有點突然，說: 『 你為何有這樣的想法？』
『 不知道，它就是在我的腦袋裏！』
『 你有家人，有朋友，不同的人一生都會有不同的事情，有些偉人會名留千古，這些已是意義的所在啦！』
『 爸爸，你信不信這世界上有神存在呢？』
『 相信，而且不只一位神。世界上有好多的神，而大部份的宗教都是導人向善。你相信什麼，就會跟隨那宗教走的，例如，信佛教，就會輪迴轉世；信耶穌會上天堂啦！』
那時，小小的我，在心中有了這小小的看法 ── 很多人都會信某種宗教，是因為人總要找一些去信靠，以填補心中的無奈和虛空。我有把我的疑惑告訴我的同學，他們完全不明白，『 玩耍吧 ! 』就是他們的反應！ 我亦和老師談論過，老師問我為何有這樣的想法，是因何事呢？遇到甚麽困難嗎？是生活過得不好嗎？但當時我根本不懂形容我的狀況給老師聽，亦因得不着什麼答案而感到很無奈。
為何如此的年輕？
大約在我九、十歲左右，有一天，我聽祖母說，鄰居的孩子在泳池浸死了，我即時的反應是，為甚麽會這樣的呢？這麼年輕已不在了！
住在我隔壁的女孩子，是一個有天才的人，她懂彈鋼琴，考了GRADE 4，就直考到GRADE 7了。可是，後來卻認識了別的朋友，就成了一般人看來的壞女孩，所以很早已絕學了。
大約到了我中一的時候，有一天，我在走廊遇到她，大家問候一下，估不到她對我說 : 『 唉 ! 玩了這麼久了，來來去去都是這樣，好悶！挺沒意思的，我玩埋今晚，明天我會找學校，讀返書和考埋個8級鋼琴！』我想，不錯啊！她回頭了，是一件好事！.
但第二天，我們看見報紙的報導，她因趕時間沒有帶着一向用的電單車頭盔，卻用了別人的電單車頭盔。怎料在晚上遇上車禍，被反彈了過對面行車線，再被車撞到！頭盔掉了！人也沒了！
這次的事情，令我有很大的感觸，是我第一次遇到和真正感受到 『 今日還在，誰知，明日卻消失得無影無踪 』的事情。這時，我有一個想法，.一個人想回頭做好人，上天是否說不給予機會就不給予呢？常說，人誰無過，只要肯改就會有生機。但這刻，我只感到天意弄人！她走了，是無可改變的事實。這件事，不知不覺對我日後都有所影響。
有一天，我看見她的媽媽，我終於明白什麼叫做一夜白頭，她媽媽老了很多，這份哀傷是那麼的深而長久，是沒法騙人的。
這時，我又學懂了一些，一個人死了，可說是什麼都帶不走，但留下來的，可以是希望或是傷害。但對她媽媽而言，肯定是絕對是悲痛。因為到十幾年後，我仍感到她媽媽是放不低她的。
這時，在中學的課本裏，又有好多好棒的詩人。但很多到最後都是說甚麽仕途失意、懷才不遇、借酒消愁、人生苦短…..使我更加有這樣的感覺，使我更加覺得人生是好渺小的……
<下一集強勢預告> 遇上一些不可解釋的事，帶給我的恐懼…..朋友突來探訪，我用痛楚換走那不可思議的事情所帶來的恐懼，是好還是害呢？
下一集，別問我 是誰 3<痛楚抑制恐懼 >。
兵奇臨
