Some of the readers may wonder why my life has been filled with so many hardships and so many question marks. For example, the girl living next door wanted to start her life right again, but was killed in a traffic accident. Of course, by that time, I was only a kid, I felt totally helpless and found no way to resolve the doubts inside my heart. As of today, how will I look at this? I think life is not controlled in our hands. We have to treasure our time. Do not do anything that makes yourself or the ones who love you live in regret. It is not ours to say, “ Let me enjoy life and do what I want first!” If we know something is right, we have to grasp the day and do it today!
Now let me share with you about losing my grandparents in this chapter.’
My grandma (my father’s mother) loves me very much. She is a very kind lady. One time she discovered that I have stolen my grandpa’s money. She promised me that she would not tell anyone if I would never do this again. I was so thankful to her and of course I have never done this again. However, I couldn’t understand why she always told me, “ You must be good. Do not let anyone look down upon you. “ I thought, she must have been hurt by someone and thus said this to me.
As time went by, her health deteriorated. When I was 14, one day she was laying in her bed. She held my hand and said, “ Remember this, you must be good…. “ Why? Again such words! I felt a bit annoyed and didn’t take her words seriously.
In just a few days’ time, her situation turned very bad and she couldn’t speak at all. We could do nothing. Our only hope was that she could leave without much pain. However, what I saw was, my grandma, such a kind lady, had suffered so much in those few days. We could only stay by her side all the time in the hospital. These few days were very, very long for me.
At this moment, my “ friend” suddenly ran into my mind again… my grandma, why she had to suffer all these? Would I have to suffer the same when I died? I started to use pain to suppress my fear again. So, I used my right hand to hurt my left hand. This was the only way I could stop these thinking!
It was in the afternoon while we were still staying in the hospital with grandma. My mothers’ family members called and told us that my grandma (my mother’s mother) was in the hospital too!
So I went with my mum to another hospital and visited grandma. She was quite all right, without any serious situations. So we went back to the other side. In the evening, we went home to take a rest. However, when we just got home, we got a message from the hospital that grandma (my father’s mother) was in very bad conditions that we needed to rush back. As we were on the way, my grandma didn’t wait for us, and she left quietly without a word. I thought, maybe grandma didn’t want us to be so sad. So, she chose to leave when we were not around.
We were all so tired that night. But as when we were sleeping in the middle of the night, a call from the other hospital woke us up. My mother’s mother, was in very bad condition. I thought, how could this be? She was okay when we visited her this morning. So I rushed to the hospital with my mother. When we were on the way to the ward, I could hear the crying…. I couldn’t believe this! I lost both grandmas in the same day! My mother was very sad. I had to suppress my feelings and told myself to be strong. I comforted my mother and accompanied her home. But inside my heart, I could not accept this, why? Was this just a co-incident? All these questions have been in my heart all the time affecting me through out the years as I grew up.
A few years later, one day, my grandpa asked me to go out to buy some food for him. I just rejected him without any reason. I didn’t realize that this was almost our last conversation. A few days later, his health suddenly turned very bad and was sent to the intensive care unit. I went to visit him. He could still talk, and he said to me, “ Remember, you must be obedient, you must be good! “ I thought, why, again such words! I am already a very good student. Why do they keep saying this to me? A few days later, he passed away in great pain, with bleeding from his ears, eyes, mouth and nose.
I was in deep regret. He only asked me to do a very simple thing for him. I didn’t take the opportunity to do it and I never had the chance to speak to him again. After that, I learnt that if I was able to do something, I should do it as quickly as I could. I would not allow myself to regret again. Today and tomorrow could be two totally different worlds. If you don’t do this today, may be you will never be able to do it tomorrow.
My heart was filled with anger and sorrow. Why had my grandparents and my mother kept saying, “ You must be good”? This is because my family is a very large one, consisting of many smaller families. Some of us were richer and some were poorer. They always compare themselves with each other. No matter what happened in one family, gossip would be spread to other families. No matter what we did, be it a wedding, or a funeral, we must do it perfectly so no one can say a word. They will only say bad things about you. So “don’t let other people look down upon you” has been deeply cultivated in my mind. If they became richer, they will look down upon you. If my family gets richer, they will be jealous about us. Even if we tried to help some of the poorer ones, they would not be thankful to us at all!
All these painful experiences caused “ my friend “ to visit me more and more frequently. I felt life was so meaningless. No matter how hard I tried to look for the meaning of life, no matter how hard I tried to be good, we could never escape from the emptiness of life. Both my body and my soul were in great pain.
I tried to call counseling hotlines and met with counselors. I totally understood what they said about the meaning of life. But this could never stop “my friend from attacking me. I have tried to do volunteer work to help other people, and I have learnt a lot from this too. I would try everything other people said that could bring meaning to life. But it was just the same.
I studied in Christian school since I was very young. I knew about Jesus and had joined some fellowship meetings too. However, one day, my family told me that I was offered to Kwan Yum (a Chinese god) and therefore should not go to church again. I was only a kid and I had no power to choose what I wanted. So I stopped going to church. But in my mind, I have a belief that at the moment before I died, I would believe in Jesus. Because in my heart, I knew that He is the real God. However, since I didn’t go to church and had no chance to study the Bible, I also worshipped other gods. I didn’t know that this was wrong.
I was in great pain. I have tired to seek help. I have tried to find a solution for it. But nothing could help me. Gradually, I would use any method that could help me stop this thinking. I would pray. I would hurt myself, hit myself, or slam my fist against the wall…. All I wanted was using pain to prove that I still exist, and suppressed all these negative thoughts.
Next chapter, I will share with you before I was born again, how I fight with “ my friend “ in the darkness.
Mr. Ice Cream
有讀者可能會感歎，為甚麽我的人生好像總遇上一個又一個解不了的結。例如中一那年，一位浪子回頭的鄰家女孩突然去世。那時，我只是個中一的學生，只能感到很無助，歎天意弄人。如今我怎看這件事呢？就是生命不是掌管在我們手裏的，要好好珍惜，別作令自己和愛自己的人遺憾的事，因為不由得你說，『待我玩夠了才算吧！』既知是對的，把握着今天就去做吧！
現在告訴你我的 <雙失> 之痛吧！
祖母由小到大也很疼愛我，她是那麽的仁慈，有一次，我偷了祖父的金錢，被她發現了，她說只要我願意改過，她會把這秘密保留，保證不會說給爸爸媽媽或任何人知道，而她一直也沒有食言。我很感激她，從此也就不再犯了。但不知為何她時不時也會和我說：『你要生性啊，別給別人看扁啊！』我想，她定是受了氣才這樣說的。
隨著年月的過去，她的腎功能不斷衰退，需要洗腎才能維持生命。在我十四歲那年的一天，她在病牀上握着我的手，說 ：『你要生性一些啊！』這時我心想，又是這類說話，我聽得太多了！也沒怎放在心上。
怎知過了數日，她的病情急劇轉壞，甚至到了不能再說話的地步了！這時我們什麼也做不到，只希望她可走得輕鬆一些，不用這麼辛苦。可是，我看到的，卻是這位多麼好、多麽疼我的嫲嫲，怎樣受折磨，她雙眼反白，全身抽筋，好幾天都是這樣。我們只能一直守候在她身旁，這幾天對我來說，是多麽的漫長！
在這時候，我那位『朋友』又衝入我的腦海中….我的嫲嫲！平時那麼好，為何要受這樣的折磨啊？到了我將離開這個世界之前，我也認定了自己要受這些痛苦的……..我又開始用痛楚去抑制恐懼了，於是我用我的右手，弄痛了自己的左手，才能停止腦海繼續想下去！
另一天下午，我們仍守候在她旁邊，突然有親友通知我們外婆入了醫院，於是我和媽媽便前往探訪。我們到了婆婆的病房，見她的身體不錯，於是我和媽媽安心一些地趕回嫲嫲的身邊。晚上，我們回家稍作休息。怎料回到家中，在電話錄音裏聽到醫院說情況不妙，我們又立刻趕回去。但嫲嫲沒有等我們，已經走了……！我當時這樣想，是否她因為捨不得我們，所以才在我們都不在時，靜悄悄的走了？
當晚，我們疲倦極了，怎料半夜電話突然響了，說外婆的情況不太理想，請立刻前往醫院……這刻我在想，不是嘛？早上探訪還沒什麼的，為何會這樣？於是我和媽媽二人立刻趕去醫院，升降機的門還沒完全打開，我已聽到哭泣的聲音了！我和媽媽入了病房，看外婆的最後一面，這時媽媽很激動，因為同一天失去兩個媽媽！我看着這樣傷心的媽媽，我强忍着極度的難過，我告訴自己，要做一個堅強的人！於是我勸媽媽別要這樣，慢慢地安慰她，陪她離開……但我心裏真正的疑惑是，為甚麽這樣？同一天失去嫲嫲和外婆，只是巧合嗎？對於當時只有十四歲的我，又是一個解不了的結！這些跟我將來長大了，所遇到的艱難，都有着千絲萬縷的關聯！
過了一兩年，有一天，祖父叫我出外買東西給他吃，我當時不加思索便拒絕他，怎料，這次竟差不多是最後的對話！我不太記得，是當晚還是第二天，他的病情突然惡化，要立刻住進深切治療部，我去探望他，他這時還可以說話，他對我說：『你以後要聽話，要生性一點！』這刻我在想，為何又是這些因家族怨恨而生的話！我已是個品學兼優的學生啦！幾天後，他很多身體功能已失去，七孔流血了幾天，他走了。
我很內疚，因為祖父只叫我做一件非常簡單的事，其實可能只花上幾分鐘的時間，但我這次沒有做，就已經失去補償的機會！這次之後，我又明白到後悔是一件痛苦的事，之後我學會只要可做到的，就不要太多考慮，要把握時間去做，不要再一次讓自己的後悔，因為這世界上，今天和明天可以是很不同的，今天不做，可能以後都做不成了。
這時我的心又充滿了怨恨，為何媽媽、祖父母都常常把生性啊，爭氣啊這些話掛在嘴邊？可能是我的家族比較大，有些富裕的，有些清貧的，所以家與家之間會有比較。有甚麽事都會一傳十，十傳百，無論什麼喜事和白事，都要做場好戲，別留機會給人說話。他們又只會說人不好的一面，所以我都會被『不要衰比人看』這句話所影響。因為若他們富起來，或有甚麽成就，都會很了不起的樣子。你沒出息呢，又看扁你。你努力好起來，又妒忌你。甚至你為他們付出，不單不代表一定有收穫，反而回頭攻擊你！
這些痛苦、內疚，一一都造就了我這位『朋友』又密密地探訪我，我感到人生無意義到極點，重重覆覆的生活，無論你怎樣去尋找意義，生性啊！爭氣啊！又怎樣，始終離不開生老病死這個框框，我身心都感到極度痛苦！我曾嘗試致電輔導熱線，又去見過社工，他們說的，我理性上統統都明白，但卻一點都不能制止這位『朋友』的突襲。我也嘗試去做義工，幫助人，也從中領悟到很多做人的道理，也去做一些很有意義的事，但結果都是一樣！
因我自小已讀基督教學校，所以很早便認識耶穌，而且小學時都有回團契的，所以不時遇到困難，都會祈禱。可是，有一次，家人說我出生時便過契了給觀音，所以不要再回團契了。我當時也沒有選擇的權力，只好停了。但我心中一早已有一個信念，就是在我臨斷氣前那一刻，要信靠主耶穌，因為，在我心中，一早已認定了，而且主曾說：『口裏承認，心裡相信，就能得救』。但當時因我沒有回教會，也沒機會學好聖經的教導，所以同時又拜拜其他的，也不知道這是不對的！但這信念，我相信是在我走到人生的盡頭時，把我帶回來的…
這時的我，已辛苦到極點，我有主動求助，我努力想去解決，但就是沒法！漸漸地，我甚麽方法都用，祈禱、用手弄痛自己、打自己、用拳頭打牆…..為的是要用痛楚去證明自己還存在，使那在我腦海中的『朋友』停止！日子就是這樣一天一天的過去……
下一集，我要和大家分享我怎樣在重生之前，在黑暗深淵中與這位『朋友』正面交手！
下一集，別問我 是誰 5 < 對戰 >！
兵奇臨
