As time went by, I have started to work now. I tried several jobs because I wanted to learn more to enrich myself. During this period of time,”my friend” didn’t come to me very often.
One day when I was traveling on a bus after work, the bus passed by a funeral house. All of a sudden, my “friend” came and attacked me! The thoughts suddenly rushed into my mind like a movie. I saw I was dead already. My picture was there in the middle of the funeral hall. My friends were there mourning. Then my body was lying in the coffin and I was burnt. All these thoughts rushed into my mind within a few seconds and I was totally broken down! The fear and the emptiness was so deep that I could do nothing to get rid of it. So I called my friends for help. All they could do was to make me drunk so my brain would stop thinking.
Next morning, this feeling remained the same. I had to admit that something must be wrong with me emotionally. So I went to see our family doctor and asked him to give me some medicine and refer me to a government psychiatrist. However, it would take a very long queuing time. So my friend referred me to a private one. This psychiatrist spent only a few minutes meeting me and said I had depression. He gave me some medicine and I took the medicine as instructed everyday. But not only was there no improvement at all, I even felt worse and made me easily irritable.
I therefore consulted another psychiatrist. This psychiatrist was very different from the previous one. He used a lot of time to understand my history and my thoughts. He said the previous doctor was not a registered one at all, and the medication was not suitable for me and I was over dosed! He said I was suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. He gave me some other medicine. But there was no improvement too.
Finally, the time for government psychiatrists came. But each time, they could only spend a few minutes with me. If I said I felt better, they would reduce the dosage. If I said there was no improvement, they would in turn increase the dosage again. As a result, my dosage was very high. The side effect was xerostomia, tremor, and made me choleric. I seemed to have become another person. My situation was even worse. The medication could only suppress those negative thoughts.
I knew deep down in my heart that medication could not help me at all. I was very tired fighting with this “friend”！
My family tried everything they could to help me. Once they brought me to a Chinese doctor who was quite well known for curing a celebrity using acupuncture therapy. I went there several times but again found no improvement at all.
My situation turned worse and worse. I had even tried other drugs several times. But I knew very clearly this couldn’t help. Of course I felt very good at that moment. But after waking up, I knew that I still needed to face the reality. Afterwards, I always got drunk and offended many people. I was sent to the hospital many times because of this. Each time my family members had to come and take care of me. They were so helpless and worried. All they could say to me was, ” It’s okay, it’s okay…..” They didn’t blame me or say any hard words to me. Maybe because they could understand my situations. I was sent to the intensive care unit many times too.
I thought, why should all of this have to happen to me? Why….why…why？
One time, I was in the hospital again. My brother came to visit me. The first word he said to me was, “When your sister-in-law comes, you need to apologize to her, because you woke her up last night. “ I thought, the worry I had about losing my brother has turned to reality. I had even discussed with a social worker about my worry on this when I was only a student. The brother who grew up with me for so many years, the first word he said to me was not “Are you okay？” but “Apologize.”. I was very hurt. I really didn’t have any energy to consider my brother’s situation at that time. I didn’t say sorry, but instead my heart was filled with sadness.
One day, I was very depressed and didn’t go to work. I really wanted to leave this world. I could not stand this anymore. I had to put an end to this battle. I swallowed many pills. I was crawling on the floor. In front of my eyes, all I could see was a window without a frame. I thought, “yes, this is the time, everything will be ended. Both me and my “friend “will disappear in this world forever. Everything will be resolved soon, if only I will move one step further………..
What had stopped me from getting closer to that window? How could I face the reality afterwards? I was cheated into a hell-like place and how did I escape from this abyss? Next chapter-The Abyss.
Mr. Ice Cream
日子一天一天的過去，我已經出來社會做事，做了很多不同的行業，為的是想看多一點，充實自己。在這段時間裏，不知不覺我那『朋友』也沒怎來探訪我了。
有一天下班時，我乘車經過某殯儀館，不知怎的，我的朋友竟突然重重的向我突襲！當時，在數秒間，一連串的景象如電影般在我的腦海中播放，我看到自己已死去，靈堂裏掛着自己的相片，又有朋友來拜祭我，之後就是在棺木內火化的情景！這些思維就在這數秒之間，使我的情緒即時崩潰。我用甚麼方法都填補不了這份恐懼和虛空，於是我致電給朋友出來開解我，但他們可以做的，就是使我飲醉至不能再思想，之後再送我回家。
第二天，這種感覺還沒有離開我，我唯有接受自己情緒上出了問題，於是去了看家庭醫生，請他開一些藥和寫轉介信去看精神科。因排期時間甚長，於是透過朋友找了一位診金還可接受的私家醫生。第一次看這醫生，他沒有用太多的時間和我溝通，便說我患了抑鬱症，只開了兩樽藥物給我。而我每天都有服藥，但我覺得沒有什麼改善，反而使我更變得暴燥。
後來我們又了看了另一位醫生。這醫生與之前那位完全不同，他用了很多時間來了解我的過去和想法，他還說之前看的醫生是沒有註冊，而且他開的藥不太合適和藥量太重！今次的醫生說我患了思想强迫症。我亦有依照醫生的指示服藥，只是也沒有進展。
後來終於排到了看政府醫生，但他們每次見面只有數分鐘，如我說情況沒有改善，就會把藥量加重，如有改善呢，就會減輕藥量，好像是很是敷衍的。結果我服食的份量很重，後遺症是口乾、手震、性格暴燥，簡直像變了另一個人似的。我的情況不但沒有改善，反而每況愈下，藥物只能暫時制止那些負面思想罷了。
我心裏是知道的，這些藥物是幫不到我的。跟我這個『朋友』的這塲戰役，已經令我身心非常的疲累！
我的家人，當然想盡任何方法去幫我，只要有生機，他們都會試的。他們帶了我去看一個有一點名氣，並且用針炙方法的中醫，聽說某歌手都是他醫好的。當然我又去試試看啦，但看了兩三次，我覺得根本沒分別，便沒有再看了。
這段期間，我的情況急轉直下，我更嘗試過好幾次一些非法的藥物，如丸仔，氯氨銅等，但我都知道，那一刻雖然是很愉快，其實過後，現實終歸現實，根本解決不了問題。此後，我又時常因醉酒而生事，得罪了不少人，不久便成了醫院的常客。可憐家人每次來探我，都會很焦慮、無奈，只能安慰我說 ：『沒有事的，叻仔啲，生性啲』，他們沒有責罵我，或許他們明白我的處境罷。我也曾進入深切治療部，幸好最終都能平安出來。那時，我會想，為何這樣玩弄我，為何…為何又為何？
又有一次，我又在醫院中，哥哥來探我，他說：『你昨天致電我家中時，弄醒了你阿嫂啊，一會她前來，你快和她道句歉呀！』這刻我在想，我年少時曾憂慮長大後會失去手足之情，我在見社工時也曾提到的憂慮，不是一一已兌現了嗎？和我一起長大的哥哥，相處了好多個年頭，來探訪我的第一句話，不是說：『有沒有事呀？』而竟然是…….…..那時的我，那裏有力量去想想哥哥的處境？所以我不單沒有和我阿嫂說對不起，而且生命中更又多了一個怨恨！
有一天，因為心情不佳，我沒有上班，在家中亦心不在焉，我真的很想離開這世界，我覺得受不住了，我要和我那位『朋友』結束這場戰役！於是我服食了很多藥物，我伏在地上，我的眼前，只看到那窗是沒有窗框的，我想，是時候了，一切一切都快要解決了，只差一點便成了.……
是甚麼制止我走向那死亡之窗？之後又如何面對？我被騙進深淵之後，又如何逃脫？
下一集，別問我 是誰 (6) 深淵
兵奇臨
