At this moment, I struggled hard on the floor. My mind was totally blanked out and what I could see was only an opened window. I only needed to stand up and jump out from the window and I would finish all this torment and “my friend” will leave me forever. Suddenly, the image of my neighbor’s mother came into my mind. Her hair turned all white overnight after my neighbor lost her life in a traffic accident. I really did not want my mother to become like her. It was because of this thought, I tried very hard crawling on the floor and finally was able to reach the phone and called my brother.
When my brother arrived, he immediately put his finger into my mouth, trying to make me vomit. And I did vomit a lot of white foam. He could do nothing more but to send me to the hospital right away.
The doctor asked me, “ Are you feeling better now?” I said, “I am in deep sufferings. I want to die.” The doctor said, “How about taking a rest in a sanatorium? I will communicate with the doctor there and see if we can make some adjustment to the dosage of your medication. Is that fine with you?” I agreed but felt a bit strange when they asked me to sign some documents. But by that time, I really did not have any strength to think about why and I just signed them.
Once I arrived there, I just realized that it was a place for psychotic patients! The ward I was staying was called the “ admission ward “. It was under tight security control. There were doors after doors to prevent the patients from running away.
Once I went inside, I was totally awake! I saw ten to twenty patients walking closer to me and looking at me in strange ways. They did not look friendly at all. I fully understood what the place was for within just a few hours.
Staying here was the same as staying in the prison. All the windows were with bars. There was no freedom here. You must be very disciplined for eating, taking shower, and even sleeping. You were allowed to make only one phone call each night, and under close supervision. Only one family member was allowed to visit in a day. It was like a hell! People were fighting for food and even for remaining food! Some patients were shouting, and totally losing self-control. They even took the garbage from the bin and ate it.
Who was sent here? Why were they here? Some of them committed some crimes. Some were waiting for a psychological report. A young man abused his own sister. The other one was caught when attacking a policeman; Some were only mentally retarded. Some were physically abused, and some were drug addicts. They were either harmful to others or being harmed. People with psychotic and /or psychological problems would be admitted to here too. That was why it was called the “admission ward”.
You need to be tactful when dealing with the staff here. Otherwise, you will be bullied. If you were against them, it meant that you would never be able to leave. They could tie you up on a bed whenever they thought that you are losing control. Fortunately, they did not do that to me because they realized that I was not psychotic and I had family members coming to see me everyday. The lives for those who did not have their family to visit them were indeed tragic.
Just within a few hours, I realized how I could survive. I needed cigarettes and food to trade for my own safety. And I need to use some violence too sometimes, and I must be strong! I said to myself, “ I have to leave this place with all the methods I can! “ I might have some problems, but this was not a place for me. I would only get worst if I had to stay here any longer.
I had only one chance to make a phone call in one day. I was thinking who I should call. Finally, I decided to call my father, as my father could have more flexible time for coming to see me. I could only say I was okay because the staff was just next to me. I asked my father to buy me more snacks. In that way I could have more bargaining power for protecting myself from others’ attack. These snacks were my “ bodyguards”. And I asked my father to tell one of my friends to come and see me. Later, when my friend arrived, I told him all that was about and asked him to inform my brother. They needed to help me to get out of this hell-like place as soon as possible. On the other hand, I did my best to convince the doctor who evaluated me. I pretended to be pitiful and very cooperative in answering all the questions so as to gain his trust. The doctor also thought that I should not be treated here. Not easily, I finally could leave this place after a few days.
After that, I need to follow up with the doctor regularly. When I was dismissed from the sanatorium, the doctor reduced 50% of my dosage. But in fact, my negative thoughts and emotions were still with me all the time. I ended up pretending that I was improving every time when I saw the doctor. I was afraid that the doctor would force me back to the so-called “sanatorium”. But deep in my heart, I knew very clearly that even if I could get pass for few times, I need to face my own problem sooner or later and I had no idea what and how I should do to deal with this.
Preview for next chapter: My situation was getting worse. My family tried everything they could to help me but causing me even more sufferings. The cruel and cunning one was trying to kill me! What could help me get out of this situation? Keep on reading the next chapter, (7) Reborn at the Dead End.
Mr. Ice Cream
這時，我在地上掙扎，眼前是空白一片，只看見那沒有框的窗，我只要在地上爬起，投進那空窗，這一切的折磨都要結束了，而這朋友亦要和我一起告別。但是，
突然我的腦海一閃，想起那鄰居的媽媽，一夜白頭的景象，我不想我的媽媽也是這樣啊………..這刻我很辛苦地在地上掙扎，致電給哥哥……
哥哥趕回來，看見我這情況，便立刻伸手進我的口腔，我即時吐了很多白色的泡沫，他立即送我去醫院…….
醫生問道：『你情況怎樣呀？』我回答：『很辛苦呀，很想死。』醫生就說：『不如在療養院稍作休息，待醫生和你調較一下藥量好嗎？』我答應了，但奇怪地，他們要我需要親自簽署，才可入住『療養院』。 那時的我，根本沒有力氣去考慮甚麼了，就簽了。
原來，他們送我去的，名義上是『療養院』，實際上是精神病院！我入住的是一個叫『收症室』的地方，是較高設防的，一道門又一道門的，即是避得過這一道門，也走不出另一道門的。
一進入去的一刻，我即時清醒了！我一進入，已有了十幾二十人行近看着我，他們的表情不是太友善的。我在這裏幾小時之內，已經很清楚這是一個甚麽地方！
在這裏和在監獄沒有甚麽分別的，所有的窗都有一支支的柱。這裏是沒有自由的，無論吃飯，洗澡，和睡眠都要很有規律。在這想致電求援也不是一件易事，每人每晚只可打一次電話，而且有職員在旁邊聽你在說什麼。如家人、朋友探訪，只可一人和一日只可探訪一次。這裡我只可說是個鬼地方，有人會搶食物，如你吃剩的食物一定會有人搶吃的！有人會情緒失常亂叫的，有人會執垃圾吃。
進來的又是怎樣的人呢？為甚麽會在這裏呢？有些人是犯了法，要在這裡等候心理部告的，例如哥哥侵犯了自己的妹妹、襲警的；有的是弱能的、有的是受到虐打的、有些是吸毒的………總知一句，不論害人的、受害的、不論是實報或虛報的、只要有可能涉及精神上、心理上有些問題的，都會在這裏，所要這就叫做『收症室』！
對付這裏的職員，都要有些本事，如果不是，可能會被人欺負的。你和他們過不去，等同永遠也不想離開。他們可以在『認為』你失控時，把你四肢扎在床上！幸好他們沒有這樣待我，因為他們都看得出我不是傻的，亦有家人來探訪我的。
我在這裏幾小時之內，也明白到怎樣才可以在這裏生存，就是香煙、食物、暴力，和自己要很強！我一定要用我的本事，快快的逃離這地方！我雖是有問題，但我知道我和他們的情況是不同的，在這裏不單對我沒幫助，簡直是沒問題都會住到有問題！
到了打電話的時間了，我只有一次的機會，應打給誰呢？應怎樣說才好呢？我選擇了致電爸爸。電話通了，我當然說這裏不錯啊…等等，又叫爸爸叫我一個工作較自由的朋友買多些零食飲品前來探我，這樣，我就有了籌碼在手，至少能保證人身的安全！這些物資就仿如成為我的保標！朋友來了，我就告訴他實情，和我通知我的哥哥，幫我用盡一切方法，我要最短時間離開這裏！另一方面，我設法令替我做心理評估的醫生相信我、可憐我，我又對答如流，他也覺得我不應該在這裏治療。所以，我住了數日，就歷史性地，成功以最短的時間逃脫！
之後，我也要定時回去見醫生。但問題是，因為是他讓我出院的，而我當時亦十分之清醒，所以醫生把我藥量減少了一半，所以就連那暫時抑制負面思想的作用也沒有了。但每次去見這醫生，我也唯有扮作沒有什麼事，因為如果說有事，他是有權要我回這地方的。就這樣，扮了幾次後便成功過關了。唉！但我也明白，之後又如何面對呢？
預告：我情況一直向下，家人用盡所有方法，竟把我推至完全失控的地步！那猙獰又狡猾的，把我重創，是甚麽力量救我重出生天呢？
下一集，別問我 是誰(7) – 絕境與重生。
兵奇臨
